Well, it’s that time of year again. I’m thinking about lamb’s blood and baby bunnies, deliberating the “He is Risen”signs, comparing charoset recipes, and eating matzoh. Normal spring time stuff.
And it seems like a great time to share something that may be a little…confusing. Upsetting, maybe? Oh well, it’s not like that stops me from thinking it! There’s just not a proper preamble, so here’s the deal: I do not like religious services. What a load off. I may need to use this site as a confessional more often. I refuse to believe that I’m the only adult person who feels this way. I may be the only person who says it, but surely there are…others. Anyone?
I know I am not “supposed” to say such things. I have heard that I “should” go to synagogue. I have been told and taught that performing rituals will make me a “good” Jew. Please don’t misunderstand me here: I like being a Jew. I enjoy my Jewish traditions. You know, the fun ones like dressing up for Purim, lighting the shabbat candles and making hamantaschen. I love making challah with my boys and making chocolate matzohs for them for Pesach. I like giving tzedakkah and celebrating simchas with my extended family. But I just don’t enjoy the services. And I never have. Ever. To me, religious services are simply words on a page, in a foreign language that I don’t understand. Even the English version doesn’t work for me. It’s usually hanging out nearby on the left side of the page, glaring at me and silently mocking. But it’s there in case I’m not interested in reiterating words that have zero meaning to me, I guess to give me something to do to fill my time while everyone around me–seemingly–knows/enjoys/gets/reveres what s/he is reading. Have you actually read the English text in a Jewish prayer book? Seriously, I think it may have been edited by William Wordsworth, maybe even Shakespeare. Or by an elderly man (yes, man. It had to be a man) circa 1955. Check it out with a critical eye and I know you’ll see where I’m coming from on that one.
Note: I realize that Judaism isn’t new, fresh and hip as far as religions go. I get it. It’s old news. I appreciate the ancient part. Organized religion just isn’t for me. That should only alienate about 95% of my friends and family who are reading along. I don’t feel it. Is anyone with me? Is anyone still reading? Mom, are you there?
Through the years, I’ve berated myself for not learning/knowing Hebrew though I’ve never chosen to take a class or move to Israel. I keep thinking there is something wrong with my hearing or auditory processing because I just can’t seem to pick up the songs and chants. It really boils down to the fact that I don’t love it. It doesn’t move me. I have no feel for services–well, at least not the way I have experienced them in my first 40 years. And, yes, of course there are things in our lives that we have to do do that are boring/we don’t like/with which we don’t agree. I’m teaching my kids that lesson…but surely there is more when it comes to religion? Simply because it has always been “that way” or because someone wrote it in Hebrew thousands of years ago doesn’t always make it so, does it? Judaism is a very real part of me. It defines a part of who I am—a part that I like, even. I take issue with the rigidity and with the part of religion that doesn’t encourage me to celebrate who I am (more of a feminist). I realize this may not bode well for my young children–in the Bar Mitzvah sense or in the religious guidance from mom category–which is the only reason I consider it an issue! I also realize that my husband will find this information less than promising. I think I just haven’t found my spiritual home, yet. Did I mention that I am 40? I thought I would have found it by now…
Is this heresy? Perhaps. Craziness? Some may think so. Honesty and truth? For sure.
After writing the above thoughts, I did a little research (aka, I googled). Before you slam the door in my face, call my mother in distress or schedule an intervention, please consider reading Time magazine’s cover story on March 12 “The 10 ideas that are changing your life.” Specifically, review number 4: The rise of the nones. You can read about it all over the place, but I liked this Op-ed piece http://articles.latimes.com/2012/mar/25/opinion/la-oe-clayton-emergingchurch-20120325 if you don’t have Time (pun, intended).
bigheartedmom 